Hot Bod in the Bikini

Comments (0) Boomer Life, July 2019 KW Magazine

bikini

Does anyone remember that damned commercial from years ago about yogurt and the “itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie-yellow-polka-dot-bikini” that used taunt those of us yearning for a hot bod in the bikini? Every time I saw it, I screamed, “Stop!” Too many people were influenced by that yogurt promotion. I hate to admit that I was one of them.

I know they were trying to make us believe that if we ate their product, we’d end up wearing that bikini, that cute itsy bitsy yellow one, but that is a load of bull. Nice try guys, but yogurt is not exactly a miracle body sculpting food.

The only way most women will have a bikini ready body is not by eating yogurt, no way, but by the tried and true method known as sacrifice. The word sacrifice has a dual definition. It means doing without or doing something you don’t want to do. To get a hot bod in the bikini, sacrifice is the word that’s needed.

You sacrifice food, you sacrifice sleep to exercise—you sacrifice your present life to a regimen that is tantamount to Brad Pitt’s kick-ass diet and work-out regimen that enabled him to get that toned and muscled body for the movie, Troy. When Brad was asked how he did it, he was honest. He said, “Lots of grilled chicken, tons of watermelon, gallons of water, and eight hours a day in the gym.” You do notice he didn’t once mention yogurt.

Now believe me, I would love to put on a teenie-weenie something or other where I don’t have to suck in my stomach ‘til I feel as if my organs are pressing out through my spine. One where I am not required to conveniently hold a towel or other beach-y item in front of me for jiggle camouflage when walking on the sand. But—I’m realistic. While I could possibly live on watermelon, chicken, and water for an extended period of time, there’s no way I could hit the gym for eight hours a day without dying. If it is a contest between living or wearing that itsy, bitsy bikini, living is going to win every time.

I hear stories of people who have gotten their bikini bods through ‘means’ other than yogurt. Like drugs for instance. Oh, don’t worry I would never contemplate becoming a coke-head to curb my very healthy appetite. I’m not stupid. Besides ruining my life, drugs would probably put me in rehab with someone like Lindsay Lohan and that thought alone is enough to keep anyone clean and sober!

Then there are women who have done the timed-honored method of complete starvation. I did that one myself—once. (Okay I cheated. I did have food. I lived on Diet Pepsi and celery for twenty-three days.) I was in a food deprived, light-headed Twilight Zone for almost a month, but I did lose eight pounds. Unfortunately, after I started eating normally, ten came back to take the place of those eight. Life’s so unfair.

The thing about commercials is that we tend to buy into the message without giving it much thought. Forget that the yogurt commercial began airing just at the beginning of May. We, who have planned to go to the beach in early June, would actually buy the stuff truly believing that we would miraculously be able to fit into that yellow suit or something very like it, in just 4 short weeks. Let me say now that those who believed that bikini crap, are the same people who believe a very wealthy celebrity when they say that money is “so-o-o-o not important for a happy life.”
Right. Of course it isn’t. I’m happy being poor.

But back to the commercial, If only we can understand that the woman in the bikini hadn’t gotten her bod from yogurt. My guess is that she never had a real weight problem in her life! She was born that way.

This year, I’m not buying into any deal or commercial that promises me a bikini bod. I have my own plan. It took me a while but I finally found a suit that makes me look terrific and I didn’t have to eat yogurt to fit into it.

The next time any diet commercial comes on, I’ll be ready. I’m going to run upstairs and take out my own new sexy swimsuit. It’s not itsy-bitsy, it’s definitely not polka dotted, but it is yellow.

It’s a “semi-teenie, hot and dreamy, yellow low-cut sweet tankini” slim suit that holds everything jiggly in for me. No sucked-in stomach, no beach towel hiding my jiggle. This suit has built-in camouflage.

The hell with yogurt anyway, it’s time for a hot-fudge brownie sundae. Want to join me?

© 2019 Copyright Kristen Houghton all rights reserved

Kristen Houghton

Kristen Houghton is the author of nine novels, two non-fiction books, a collection of short stories, a book of essays, and a children’s novella. The first four books in her best-selling series, A Cate Harlow Private Investigation, is now available in a special boxset. She is also the author of the Horror Writers of America award-winning Quick-Read, Welcome to Hell.

She has covered politics, news, and lifestyle issues as a contributor to the Huffington Post. Her writing portfolio includes Criminal Element Magazine, a division of Macmillan Publishing, Hartford Woman, Today, senior fiction editor at Bella Magazine, interviews and reviews for HBO documentaries, OWN, The Oprah Winfrey Network, and The Style Channel.

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